April 11, 2015


Here is my story.
I'm a very moody person. I was a very emotional person growing up - I was always on this rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I was happy, a lot of days I was sad, and some days I was really angry.. & then I was fine, life felt ok.

I had this pain inside of me - for as long as I could remember, it had always been there.
It hurt a lot - some days more than other days.
There were some days where I thought about killing myself. I researched suicide, all the ways I could hurt myself - especially the ones that were quick and easy. I was obsessed with suicide - I was obsessed with trying to solve the problem of making this pain stop.

I felt so alone - yet I was surrounded by hundreds of people.
As I entered high school - alcohol and drugs were my escape. I drank and tried everything in order to numb this pain I had. Most nights it helped, but at the end of the day I was still all alone and so, so sad. I realized - maybe I can never really escape this pain.. Maybe it will always be inside of me.

I thought this was all normal.
I thought that I was just a normal teenager who was learning how to grow up and deal with all my emotions, and all of this was totally normal. So, I just continued to do what I knew I could do - every time I drank or took a drug there was this slight relief I felt. This relief was released that made me feel like a better person for punishing myself. It was enough to help me go on to the next day.

I went on, feeling completely different from everyone around me.
Everyone I knew had problems just like I did.. but they didn't seem to last as long as the pain lasted for me. It was frustrating. I didn't want to feel weird and I didn't want to feel different. I spent most of my life being surrounded by people who never really knew me. I spent most of my life being someone I didn't even truly know, because with this pain inside of me - all I knew was a girl who was obsessed with trying to make the pain go away.
I felt worthless living a life like this.
I was different and I didn't know why.

As I grew up and entered adulthood - I realized that the pain and all those feelings weren't just because I was just a regular teenager. These feelings were something more - and that nagging emotion of depression still sat with me every night and woke up with me every morning right by my side again. I was miserable. All I wanted was to change my life, wake up happy - but all I felt was sad and lonely.. So sad that I couldn't even get through simple tasks like cleaning my room.

I was 24 years old when I finally spoke up.
It took me 24 years to finally get help.. & it was the toughest thing I have ever done.
How could I admit that something was wrong with me? When all my life I have tried to fit in and try to feel like I was normal - I didn't want to admit that I was different.

I had to sit there and admit that I've been having all these feelings all my life and feeling like this doctor, who just met me, was judging me for having all these weird feelings.
It was rough.
I never knew that feeling constantly anxious wasn't normal.
I never knew that feeling worthless every now and then wasn't normal.
I never knew I could feel truly happy without something having a hold on my heart to remind me that I'm actually really sad.
At the end of our conversation, the doctor put everything down and told me he was proud of me - I got through the toughest part and I admitted that I needed help before anything worse happened to me.

I took medication for a couple of months, but I decided that even though it helped I didn't need it.
All the words the doctor told me that day was not what really helped me.
The medication was not what really helped me.
The thing that helped me - was speaking up and realizing that I'm not alone after all.

I suffer from depression and anxiety.
I will suffer from this my whole life.
If I'm supposed to live with this as a part of me for my entire life then I'm going to learn how to cope with it forever.
.. & it's been tough.
I am now 25 years old - and although it's a struggle everyday, I feel a lot better than I did a year ago.
Everyday I feel anxious - there is always a feeling inside of me that something bad is going to happen. I make list after list in order to control my anxiety. I also clean, a lot - I'm a hard person to live with. I try to do as many things as I can that keep me happy, like read. It helps with feeling worthless and depressed.
I am still learning how to deal with this disease.
Everyday is a new challenge.
The important thing I've learned from the past 24 years of my life is that I'm the one that can be in control - not my disease.
.. & that is my story.

I'm so passionate about helping others who suffer from any mental illness. I'm so passionate about sharing my own story in hopes that it will help that teenager I once was, that 20 year old I once was, anyone - even if it's just one person.
I know there might be someone out there right now reading this and wondering why they feel different - wondering where to go or who to turn to.. & I want you to know that you really are not alone. You will never be alone. There are people who care about you and love you.

I love you, sinceriously.
You are not alone.
I hope you trust that.

I want to thank Stephen Amell for bringing awareness to all mental health.
Mental health is scary to talk about - many people don't understand it. It should be talked about more.. & as I read comments on Stephen's Facebook page - I was truly touched at how proud people spoke about their own story. It was an amazing feeling to see so much passion about spreading awareness for every person out there who suffers from a mental illness.

Please check out the two amazing organizations Stephen Amell chose for his Sinceriously campaign.
Stand For The Silent
Paws & Stripes

Join me and leave a comment of your own story.
Inspire through your own words.


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