August 20, 2014


My best friend told me that he plans to move to California next year.
I wanted to tell him what a stupid idea that is, considering we live in the middle of the country where life is a lot easier {and cheaper} - but I told him the complete opposite. I told him how great it was that he was deciding to leave Kansas - how he SHOULD go out and enjoy his life while we still have time to make mistakes and learn from them. I was a little jealous. We are only 24 years old and I always forget that. I felt myself saying words I didn't recognize - like "go out and live your life, we are so young that we deserve to live it up right now" - I started to wish I would take my own advice. I'm the same age as my friend - the one I'm telling to go live his young life - when I'm sitting at home not doing it myself, the highlight of my weeks are based off of my children. 

I don't spend any of my time 'living' my life for me. It has gotten to the point where I thought to myself "this is as good as it's going to get" - where I look forward to PTA meetings just so I can have some adult interaction outside of my home. I'm so focused on the future, where my children start getting busier with their schedules - that way I can stay busy with their lives instead of thinking of making my own better. Is that what Motherhood is supposed to be all about? As Mothers - are we supposed to forget the things we love in order to make room for our children's needs/wants? Sometimes I feel like that IS what being a Mother is all about for me.

There are times where I don't remember what I love anymore. I don't know what to wear when I'm not trying to impress other parents {so I don't look like I'm still in high school} - I don't know the things I love to do anymore - I don't know who I am anymore, besides a Mother.

Now I feel like I am starting to sound like a 24 year old who is having a mid-life crisis way too early..

After having that conversation with my friend about his move to California - I decided that it wasn't too late for me to take my own advice either, because I DO still believe in love.

I still believe in love.
I still believe in finding love.
I still believe in finding love within myself.
I believe in feeling alive again and finding my happy ending.

I know that I can't travel the world {one day Kristy, one day} or move away from this little town I live in - but I can still go out and conquer my fears and learn how to be a better person. Finding the good in myself again seems important to me in order to be a better Mother, I need my children to look up to me and live a better life than the one my decisions have led me to. I need to feel alive again to make my children feel that same feeling.

So here goes nothing.. Here's to finding love again.
Wish me luck.


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